Queering the MBA

Editors’ note: It is common for students to attend business school for the purpose of making a major career change, and there are myriad programs and support staff in place to help facilitate this sort of transition. But a second year at Owen, Danielle Piergallini, is undergoing a much more profound change. OwenBloggers is proud to present a series of lifestyle pieces written by Danielle chronicling her experience as a transgender student at a major American business school.

In my previous post, I talked about the decision surrounding when to come out. Once I settled on doing it before the end of Year 1, the how (or logistics, for you non-operations types) became the anxiety-inducing question of the moment. I thought it’d be best to wait until after I received my first internship offer to avoid as many distractions as possible. The method of delivery would be email, because even though face-to-face conversation certainly has its benefits, it isn’t a very practical way to come out to more than 100 classmates. Writing “the letter” is almost a rite of passage in the trans experience, and I only had a limited amount of time to figure out what should it say as Year 1 would end in about a month.

In the online trans community I visit there is a message thread where trans folk share their coming out letters. I poured over the ones others had written, copying and pasting the most brilliant sentences and ideas into a Word doc for reference. Looking at them in aggregate, I realized I needed to be careful to ensure that I was telling my classmates what I was doing (the actions) rather than what I was feeling. I didn’t want to come across as a sympathetic figure, or worse, emotionally weak and/or crazy like most of the stereotypical portrayals of trans people in popular media (after all, I still needed to interact with classmates in school and drink beer with them on the weekends). I also wanted everyone to know I had truly considered all of my options and that this wasn’t a whim.

I started drafting the letter a week or two before any classmate saw it, though during that time several friends from home proof read it for me so that it came across the way I was intending. One of my best friends also pointed out changing certain words to make my sentences clearer and more impactful.

The letter went out in a couple of different versions, as my roommates and a classmate or two got an earlier version since I figured I might need some support when I finally sent it school wide and that they’d probably field some questions from classmates about whether or not they knew, etc. My roommates received their version on Sunday, April 10^th in the afternoon, right before I went to play in an intramural soccer game. My heart raced and I checked my email on my phone during warm-ups and halftime before I finally received a response from one of them. It was a good reply, and gave me hope that my classmates would respond positively as well when they received their version later.

This is more or less what I ended up sending everyone:

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Dear Friends,

I’ve debated how I’d say this for quite some time now, when I’d say it, and to whom – and now I’m at the point where I’m just going to do it.

I have been struggling with something my entire life and have finally started addressing it. I am transsexual. My mind does not match my anatomy. Most people don’t have to deal with these discrepancies, but I do. This isn’t a feeling, a wish, or a choice – it is something hardwired into me, my gender identity, my innate sense of who I am. This will never go away, and as I’ve grown older it has only grown worse. It is not something that can be “talked out” or treated with psychoactive drugs and/or therapy (I speak from lengthy experience). My body and mind are simply a mismatch and I am pursuing the only known effective treatment: transition.

For the last two and a half months I have been taking female hormones and testosterone blockers. You might’ve noticed changes in me over that time. I’ve slimmed down, shown up at Owen earlier in the morning, drank less, and felt better than ever before. Things are changing, for the better. I am still going to be pretty much the same person – just different, happier, and more open. I am not going away, I am growing into myself.

So when will this take place? It’s a gradual process so it will take several months, but I hope to complete my transition before we graduate. There is still a lot for me to do, and the hormones will take several months to really produce noticeable effects.

What is going to change? Wikipedia has a pretty comprehensive and accurate list of hormone replacement therapy effects here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormone_replacement_therapy_%28male-to-female%29 <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hormone_replacement_therapy_%28male-to-female%29> .

Who else knows? My family, my friends from home, my roommates, and now most of the class of 2012 (BCC’d in this email).

Why am I coming out now? Because I am tired of being one person when I talk to those who know and a completely different one when I’m at Owen. The façade is too much for me to maintain any longer.

I know this is a big shock and a lot to take in. It took me 20 some years to really make peace with it and start what I have to do to be happy with myself, so I don’t expect it to be something you will immediately embrace. If you need some time and space to process this, I understand.

If you have any questions, even ones you might think are stupid, or want to talk, I’m more than willing to do so. I have nothing left to hide.

I’ve also CC’d [redacted] from the Vanderbilt LGBTQI Center, who has graciously volunteered to answer questions you might have (which might be helpful if you don’t feel comfortable asking me just yet).

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I look forward to spending the next year together.

Best,

Dan

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After a long night at Mafiaoza’s with a couple of classmates on a Wednesday, I went home and finally sent it at 2:15 AM on Thursday, April 14th (the final draft had been queued up a couple days beforehand). Even as a former endurance athlete, I’d never felt my heart pound with the sheer force and frequency that it did immediately after hitting send. Sleep was a lost cause – I tossed and turned all night, wondering how much I had just changed my life.

In the next installment of Queering the MBA I’ll share just how much I had.